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Thanks for connecting! You're almost done. Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. You've got all the world's porn in your pocket right now, on demand whenever you want it. But a small number of people still like going out there and doing stuff the old-fashioned way, with their hands. And genitals. And fluids. That's why porn cinemas stay in business.

Way before widespread internet access, adult theaters were bigger than '70s bush, because they gave men a safe space to masturbate stray balcony cumshots notwithstanding. Now, like the drive-in, the wank theater is mostly gone. A few have managed to stick around, though, and we spoke to the former manager of one.

This is what "Marvin" told us:. Marvin was one of a number of managers at his pornatorium. It was a courtesy title, Xxx adult movie theater sex, because he didn't do that much managing. So what did he do? No mopping the floor, though. I Nude girls caught skinny dipping the boss left that part out so that he could call us 'managers' and not The plus size model anansa sims hot. Thanks to the work of all the manager-janitors manitors?

Under all those harsh chemicals, there was still this smell of lonely unwashed horny men. And women. I was curious. I sniffed it. It was squirt. This lady had squirted over the entire couch, in front of everyone. It looked like someone had emptied the contents of a two-liter bottle of Xxx adult movie theater sex. I flipped the cushion around, spritzed some Febreze on there, and continued Xxx adult movie theater sex up.

Marvin's cinema had a whole dedicated section on the balcony for couples wanting to spice up their love lives. There could be up to people up there on a Saturday night.

They were all very regular-looking people. Picture a PTA meeting with genitals hanging out. And good ol' Marvin was their guide: "If the couple was new, I somehow had to make the situation not awkward.

I would ask them if they'd been here before, if they 'liked to party,' which I assumed was the Hairy pussy super tight term for 'swing. If they were more reserved, I would dress it up as a kinky date spot where anything can happen.

An important thing Xxx adult movie theater sex to convey that the situation is under control. But like Marvin's other job was keeping the peace Xxx adult movie theater sex the floor area -- i. The patrons would come to the lobby and rat out on each other if anything bad was happening, and I'd then go in there with a flashlight and flash them from across the room. Thankfully, I've never had to do that. Down there was a row of seats sectioned off for that specific reason.

What would happen next is super, super weird. They looked like a pack of drunk monkeys in mating season. It didn't look human. They just surrounded the couple I assume they all jerked off onto the wife, or just watched the couple go at it.

One of the Drunk Monkey Tribe later told Marvin that this cinema was "vanilla," and that at another he frequented, one husband would let all the men fuck his wife, then drink the contents of each condom after.

Did that really happen? Who knows? Who wants to know? Not us. Much like Bushido, there is a porn cinema code.

We also call that code "Bushido," but with a different emphasis. Marvin explains: "There were a few different designated spots around the cinema where different men would stand on for hours on end, looking very, very sad. Where you stood advertised what you were looking for. For example, if you stood in the corner by the bathroom, that meant you wanted to suck someone off. A different spot meant you were down for something else. That was a popular one, and the rotation was fast. There was one spot parallel to that, but it was kind of out of the way, and away from where most men would hang out.

It was less popular. Another spot was by the women's bathroom. I think one of their 'games' was pretending they were a lady going in there, and then some guy would look through a peephole as the other guy did You have to understand, though, that those guys needed to mix things up in between Xxx adult movie theater sex masturbation sessions, seeing as how Holy what?

What kind of smut was this cinema showing for its customers to burn a whole day there? Also, how much money did Marvin's boss make selling sports drinks to dehydrated marathon masturbators someone get the electronic broom?

My boss would choose pretty mainstream things. Nothing too crazy, as in no Big black pusy porn. They wouldn't care what movie would be playing. These aren't happy men," Marvin said. Then they would shuffle in, buy a ticket, and go Xxx adult movie theater sex their day in the dark. They would come out for peanuts, chips, popcorn we would sell in the lobby, and hurry back in like little rodents.

An entire 12 hours is a bit extreme, but it happened. On average, I estimate men spent four hours per visit.

Well done. Hey look, another double entendre. Good job, us. Anyway, despite Xxx adult movie theater sex everything we've mentioned so far, Marvin doesn't remember this job as particularly pleasant.

A month into the job, there's no way I could be aroused by an XXX movie. It was Sexy wet juicy booty wallpaper, basically.

It's still like that. If I see an xHamster clip or whatever, it has no effect on me whatsoever By the seventh or eighth month, I dreaded working there. Once the novelty wears off, you notice the atmosphere is thick with loneliness, yearning, and dissatisfaction. I still associate all porn with those feelings, which is probably why I don't like it anymore.

By being exposed to so much porn, Marvin eventually started seeing the man behind the curtain. And once he threw that Xxx adult movie theater sex out of the theater, he also noticed that porn is kind of depressing behind the scenes. The illusion is lost on me. That girl in the movie is paying bills.

Most of the time, her vagina isn't wet. So much porn with dry vaginas! And no one cares. It's fake. It's like wrestling. Imagine how much time that frees up for Marvin! He could cure cancer. Or start playing Minecraft. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c. Have a story to share with Cracked? Email us here.


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